mga jokes

Two gays were looking at Travel Brochures at a Travel Agency.
One of them said: "Lets try Greece this year."
The other answered: "Why?What's wrong with Vaseline?"
--(1)--

WIFE: Do you have any idea what would happen to you if I die?
HUSBAND: I might die also.
WIFE: (blushes) Why?
HUSBAND: Sometimes, too much happiness causes death..
--(2)--

MGA URI NG ITLOG NG LALAKE:
Binatilyo- Fresh egg
Binata- Hard boiled
Bagong Kasal- Sunny side-up
Matagal ng Kasal- Balot
Matandang Binata- Itlog na maalat
Lolo- Century Egg
--(3)--

TYPE OF KISSER WHICH DESCRIBE THEIR ACTION:
BOTTLE - expert
GLASS - sweet
CAN - super maniac
CUP - good kisser
HAND - aggressive
STRAW - not contented
--(4)--

INSPIRATIONAL MOVEMENT:
"Walang malayong kulangot
sa mahahabang kuko!"
--(5)--

BREAST RELATED NAME:
SUSAN- suso nasa tiyan
SUZETTE- suso maliit
DOLOR- dodo nasa floor
JOBEL- joga hanggang bilbil
DEBORRAH- dede walang bra
ULA- utong lang..
--(6)--

SONGS OF MARRIED COUPLES:
1st night- ARAY NAKU!
1 to 5 years- ARAW-ARAW GABI-GABI.
6-15 years - PAMINSAN-MINSAN.
16-25 years- SANA KAHIT MINSAN.
26- 49 years- GAANO KADALAS ANG MINSAN.
50 years up - MAALA-ALA MO PA KAYA.
--(7)--

Natuto ako ng RELIGION kay Inay,
"Kapag yang mantsa hindi natanggal,
magdasal ka na!"

Kay Inay natuto ako ng LOGIC:
"Kaya ganyan yan, dahil sinabi ko!"

At natuto pa ako ng MORE LOGIC:
"Kapag ikaw nalaglag dyan sa bubong,
Ako lang mag-isa magjo-Jolibee."

Si Inay din ang nagturo sa akin ng IRONY:
"Sige ngumal-ngal ka pa at
bibigyan talaga kita ng iiyakan mo!"

Si Inay din ang nagpaliwanag sa akin ng CONTORTIONISM:
"Tignan mo nga yang dumi sa likod ng leeg mo, tignan mo!!"
--(--

MISIS: Inday, napansin ko ang barong ni Sir mo,
lagi na lang may lipstik!
MAID: Opo ng Mam, mukhang niloloko na TAYO ni Sir ah!
--(9)--

MISIS: Inday, ayokong pinapakialaman mo
ang condom namin ng Sir mo ha!!
INDAY: Mam, wag po kayong magbibintang!
Di kami sanay gumamit ni Sir nyan!
Sobra naman kayo!!!
--(10)--

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
"VIRGINITY is not DIGNITY.
It's just a lack of opportunity!"
- by William Sexfear..
--(11)--

It's early Sunday morning,
After a man and a woman had sex.
MAN: Honey, I have to go.
WOMAN: Bakit Hon? Ayaw mo na ba sa akin?
MAN; Hindi...
WOMAN: Eh bakit?
MAN: Magmimisa pa ako!
--(12)--

"Special ka sa akin kaya ayaw kong makitang nasasaktan ka..
kaya pag nakita akong may Lamok sa iyong leeg...
tatagain ko! Tandaan mo yan..."
--(13)--

Miriam Santiago is the model of a watch
to be made jointly by Japan's Seiko and
French's Patek Philippe.
The brand name of the watch is "SEIKOPATEK".
--(14)--

MAN#1: How many times do you save everyday?
MAN#2: More than 20 times...
MAN#1: What?? Are you crazy?
MAN#2: No, I'm a barber.
--(15)--

PEDRO: Anong pulutan nyo kahapon sa birthday mo?
JUAN: Pata!
PEDRO: Wow! Anong klaseng pata?
JUAN; PATA galan ng kwento!
--(16)--

JINGGOY: Dad, bakit ba maalat at may asin sa dagat?
ERAP: Sinadya yan ni Lord para sa ganun hindi mapanis ang mga isda..
--(17)--

ADIK: Doc, grabe yung panaginip ko gabi gabi,
kasi lagi daw ako nanunuod ng basketball.
DOCTOR: sige halika may gamot ako para dyan.
ADIK: Wag muna dok, championship game na mamaya eh!
--(18)--

What is the secret of success?
"Right Decisions"

How do you make right decisions?
"Experience"

How do you get experience?
"Wrong Decisions"
--(19)--

(Sa Classroom)
JUAN: Ma'am, si Pedro naniniko.
TITSER: Pedro! Alam mo ba na masakit ang maniko!
STUDENTS: Yeheey! Walang pasok na ngayon,
masakit na ang MANI ni Mam!
--(20)--

MISIS: Tapatin mo nga ako!
Bakit nasa ilalim ng unan mo ang bra ni Inday?
MISTER: Aba ewan ko! Baka may relasyon sila
ng driver natin! kasi nakita ko ang brief
nya sa ilalim ng unan mo!
--(21)--

TATAY: "Pesteng buhay toh!
merong kaldero, walang biGAS!
merong lampara, walang GAS!
merong gripo, walang taGAS!
dagdagan pa ng asawang walang huGAS huGAS!
paano pa titiGAS!!"
--(22)--

Sexy Lady complains to doctor: "I think my boobs are full of water."
Doctor: "How do you figure that?"
Sexy Lady: "Everytime a guy squeezes them, my pussy get gets wet!"
--(23)--

Heard about AFRICAN ROULETTE?

Ten nude and sexy lady dancers.
dances around you and one by one
will give you a blow job!
The only thing is one of them
is a CANNIBAL!
--(24)--

BIRTH MONTHS AND THEIR MEANINGS:
JANUARY - seloso at malikot sa kama
FEBRUARY - masarap mahalin at moody
MARCH - sweet at may konting ma arte
APRIL - pasaway, makulit at mayabang
MAY - honest, nangangaliwa at may pagka-el
JUNE - lover, user, at playgirl o playboy
JULY - stick to one! tama lang
AUGUST - mahilig sa sex
SEPTEMBER - takot magmahal at masaktan, simpleng malibog
OCTOBER - hindi kuntento sa isa, totoo...
NOVEMBER - serious, sweet, lover at intelligent
DECEMBER - mapagmahal at sobrang libog

Tama ba yung sa iyo?
--(25)--

AMO: kelan lang tayo bumili ng toothpick,
bakit naubos agad?
MAID: ewan ko po mam, kapag ako po ang
gumamit sinosoli ko naman ah!
--(26)--

THE MOST FORTUNATE SON:
Three dads were talking about their son..
DAD#1: "My son is a successful Banker,
recently, he gave his bestfriend P3 million."
DAD#2: "My son is a successful Engineer,
recently he gave his bestfriend a house and lot."
DAD#3: "My son owns a airline company,
recently he gave his bestfriend a jet."

DAD#4 came out from the CR and the three dads
asked him about his son.

DAD#4: "My son is a macho dancer at the gay bar,
even if he is like that, I love him..
In fact, during his birthday last week,
He received P3 million, house and lot,
and a jet from his suitors.."
--(26)--

A new WIFE has three(3) qualities:
ECONOMIST in kitchen,
ARTIST at home,
DEVIL in bed...

After a few years, SHE is:
ARTIST in kitchen,
DEVIL at home,
ECONOMIST in bed...
--(27)--

A young man ask an old man.
"Sir, what is retirement?"

Old man: "Retirement is when you are
replaced by a computer at work and
a vibrator at home.."
--(28)--

GIRL#1: Buy a nice dress para pnsinin ka ng mga boys.
GIRL#2: Ako Ok lang, kahit wala akong damit.
GIRL#1:Hay naku! Kapag nude ka, walang titingin sa mukha mo!
--(29)--

MISTER: (naglalambing, kissing wife's shoulder)
Hon, sigi naaaa...
MISIS: (naiirita) Bumabagyo!
MISTER: Ayaw mo yun, eh malamig? Sigii naaa...
MISIS: Ano ka ba, tanga? Di ka na nahiya!
Ang daming tao dito sa evacuation center!
--(30)--

LABOR LAW:
Does the penis deserve
overtime and hazard pay?

YES! because...
it works in a deep,
hot and smelly tunnels,
often head down and
mostlyat night shift!
--(31)--

TITSER: Ano ang PAST TENSE sa LABA?
BOY#1: Naglaba mam!
TITSER: Tama! Ano ang PRESENT TENSE?
BOY#2: Naglalaba!
TITSER: Tama! Ano naman ang FUTURE TENSE?
BOY#3: MAGSASAMPAY mam!
--(32)--

A farmer went to the river and saw five (5) nude girls swimming.
The girls protested, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
Farmer: "it's Ok, I'm here to feed the crocodiles!"
--(33)--

AMERICAN ENGLISH:
Eat All You Can,
don't be shy,
feel at home!

IN TAGALOG:
kain lang kayo ng kain,
walanghiya kayo,
pakiramdam nyo bahay nyo to!
--(34)--

Grandfather was sleeping with his grandson when he awoke at 3am.
GRANDFATHER: "Quick, give me a girl, I have an erection!"
GRANDSON: "No grandpa. 1st, it's late already. 2nd, you're 90 years old.
3rd, titi ko po yang nahawakan nyo!"
--(35)--

ONLY IN THE PHILIPPINES:
1. Doctors go back to school to be nurses abroad.
2. Rats are normal house pets.
3. Soap opera is reality and news provide the dramas of life.
4. Actors make the rules and politicians provide the entertainment!
--(36)--

Man married mute girl..
MAN: We must work out a code; If I want sex, I'll stroke your left breast.
you reply by pulling my penis once for YES and 1,000 times for NO.
--(37)--

ENRIQUE ZOBEL: half Filipino half Spanish.
HENRY SY: half Filipino half Chinese.
JUAN FLAVIER: half Filipino half Igorot.
RAUL ROCO: half Hawaiian half Polo.
JOHN OSMENA: half Filipino half Filipina.
MIKE ARROYO: half Filipino half Pork.
AI AI DELAS ALAS: half Filipino half Moon.
GMA: half...
--(38)--

MGA DAPAT GAWIN KAPAG NATUKA KA NG COBRA SA PUWET:
1. Dahan-dahang maupo sa isang sulok.
2. Hubarin ang pantalon.
3. MAGBATE! Yan na ang huling kaligayahan mo!
--(39)--

CALOY: Pare, napakatanga ng Mrs. ko!
Isipin mo bumili ng load,
wala naman kaming celphon!
BEN: Mas tang Mrs. ko, biruin mo ,bumili ng printer,
wala naman kaming computer!
PEDRO: Wala ng mas tatanga sa Mrs. ko mga pare!
Akalain nyo, tuwing aalis sya, laging nagdadala
ng condom, wala naman syang titi!
--(40)--

HEADLINE:
"Dalawang lola nag jogging sa plaza ginahasa!"

Kinabukasan...
Plaza nagkagulo!
Nagtrapik!
Libu-libong lola nag jo-jogging!
--(41)--

Bata pa lang ako, hilig ko na ang pagsulat.
Sa katunayan, marami na akong naisulat at kumita rin naman ito.
Naalala ko tuloy yung mga isinulat ko na kumita talaga...
"ICE FOR SALE".
--(42)--

IGOROT: Mag apply po ako ng sundalo Sir.
OFFICER: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, Bungi ka pa!
IGOROT: Bakit Sir? Ang giyera ba ngayon kagatan na?
--(43)--

SEXUAL THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
It's not the length, it's not the size...
It's how many times you can make it rise!
It's not how well it fits...
But how often you can make it spit!
--(44)--

Bakit ang tao pag ipinanganak,
madalas sa ULO unang lumalabas?

SAGOT: Kasi ang tao pag ginagawa.
ULO rin ang unang ipinapasok!
FIRST IN FIRST OUT POLICY ang tawag dyan!
--(45)--

MOST BEHAVIORISM ARE PARADOXES:
- We go to movies and drowse.
- We go to bed and remain awake.
- We read books to fall asleep.
- We invite friends to converse then play cards in silence.
- We go on vacations and take work along.
- We turn-on the tv or radio and read newspapers.
- We ask girlfriend for a dinner and end up in bed eating each others.
--(46)--

FLASH REPORT:
Patay na si Aling Obang, biyenan ni Lumen..
Pinalo ng kambal sa ulo, ang ginamit SURF bar.
Di kasing mahal pero sin-tigas ng bakal...
Wa-is talaga ang kambal, diba?
--(47)--

WARNING TO ALL CELLPHONE USERS:
GLOBE and SMATY JOINT SECURITY DIVISIONS has
been monitoring your celphone and would like to
remind you that the VIBRATING MODE is not for
SEXUAL purposes. So STOP USING IT!!
--(48)--

A boss interviewed four (4) girls for secretary...
He asked each one this question: A lady has two mouths.
What is the difference between the two mouths?

1st: One can talk, and the other can not talk.
2nd: One is vertical, and the other is horizontal.
3rd: Only one is hairy.
4th: Upper one is for my use, and the lower is for my boss.

THE LAST ONE WAS HIRED!!
--(49)--

TANONG: Paano mo sasabihin sa isang babae na
sobrang mataba siya ng hindi sya mababastos?

SAGOT: "uhmm, excuse me Miss..
Mang Tomas ba ang lotion mo?.."
--(50)